Solution

it last for more than  days

today I have solution of my problem... with my identity

Just because one woman said I had a problem I thought I had. She said I should think about it because now it's the right time for it.

What did she said? It's simple. The thing I knew already. I am 50:50. Female : male.

Another problem is I've lost my ego, selfconfidence and everything like that. So I think about myself as "shit".

 

Okay. So I don't know how to not think I am nothing because I did so many things... for nothing. I didn't get this and that and so I become like this.

But about the first problem - I made dicision. All of you may think I decided to be 100% ne? I thought the same. I have to choose. But you know what? No way. I don't need to be 100%. Cuz to be 50:50 is what makes me so strong. To stay alone, not to cry for the fact I am all alone, to help the others solve their problems, to be like an angel for them, to stay on their side forever. I think I couln't be able to make it if I am 100%. I can understand boys so I can understand girls. I am nice but rude. I am sweet but manly. I am everything as girl but so I am everything as boy. Lately I was more like girl and so I was able to find female friends. In past I was more like boy and I had only male friends. Sometimes I thought I can't be a boy in mind and look like nice girl. Kekeke asian boys showed me I can XD Well now you think I am stupid. But if you think about it... I can stay (quite) pretty, have (quite) nice behaviour but stay lil boy inside :) I don't think it's problem anymore. And I won't think about it like that even if someone will tell me I should do something with that cuz it's my problem. It's not. I am okay with it. If you are not just ignore me.

Now you can ask if I can fall in love with girls while I am 50:50. Well those who know me know the truth for years. I have never said I am straight. (girls are you scared?? :D)

So now I am going to think more about the lost ego. It will be "long hard road out of hell". But I can make it.

And of course now I will try to do my angel's work again.

Sorry for not being ready in last few days. Sorry for not talking. Sorry for the fact I get lost.

 

 

And the last thing! Aren't you confused by my nicknames? I mean Arisu x Alisha. It makes me... idk. I should choose one. This is confusing for me either. I just thought while there is new Me I should throw my old nickname away. But I am not able not to use it because my old friends know me like this and many people still call me Alisha. While I don't use my true name cuz it has terrible pronounc. in Czech language.

I will think about this thing more I gues...