I am not going with tomboyish trend nor I go with "everyone is trans now just cuz it's trendy" (da fuck?). I was always rly upset about the fact I "should wear this and do that" just because there is some gender construct.
I have some memories from my childhood.. I was about 4 years old and I thought it's pretty much okay to have short hair and climb a trees and play with car toys and fight with my bff till we bleed. We both were born "female" but never felt that way during our childhood. I don't know how is this friend doing now nor what she grew up to (we were seeing each other till we were 12 yo or something like that).
Primary school was weird. I was alien (and this will probably never change) in the society. Forced to live in constructs and think in ways I was supposed to... When I was 13 I've cut my hair rly short (3 cm haircut, yay) and started to wear "boyish clothes". Fuck the gender shit. I felt more like boy and so I was acting like that.
Puberty was cruel. When I was 17 - 20 yo I was trapped in "you are a girl so act according to that". Okay, society, okay. But I am going to rebel anyways (metal head as fuck).
Primary school was weird. I was alien (and this will probably never change) in the society. Forced to live in constructs and think in ways I was supposed to... When I was 13 I've cut my hair rly short (3 cm haircut, yay) and started to wear "boyish clothes". Fuck the gender shit. I felt more like boy and so I was acting like that.
Puberty was cruel. When I was 17 - 20 yo I was trapped in "you are a girl so act according to that". Okay, society, okay. But I am going to rebel anyways (metal head as fuck).
In last years finally I am realizing myself. It's long process. Nothing you can hurry. Not like one day you wake up and it's "oh it's so clear now."
I am 50:50. I used to say that. There was none who would understand. And I didn't care. I was me and if the world can't respect it then what should I do?
But one day one woman looked straight to my face and without me saying anything she said: "You are 50-50... and you will have to decide. Soon!"
I was shocked. Not cuz she saw that... and not cuz she got in my head... but cuz of the "YOU HAVE TO DECIDE" if you are boy or girl.
I suffered day by day. How to come out. How to decide a shit and how to tell others. Because no, I was not feeling as a girl and I was not okay with my body nor the way society treats me. But then I was thinking - would I feel different if I made the change? It's possible today... with the surgery and the T, I can make it. But is it really something I want/I can do?
I am questioning myself till today...
But as I looked around (gosh bless the internet, seriously...) I saw I am not alone in this. And finally it came to talk lately... NONBINARY/AGENDER/GENDERLESS/BIGENDER/GEDNERFLUID... now we know there are HUMAN BEINGS like that.
I am 50:50. I used to say that. There was none who would understand. And I didn't care. I was me and if the world can't respect it then what should I do?
But one day one woman looked straight to my face and without me saying anything she said: "You are 50-50... and you will have to decide. Soon!"
I was shocked. Not cuz she saw that... and not cuz she got in my head... but cuz of the "YOU HAVE TO DECIDE" if you are boy or girl.
I suffered day by day. How to come out. How to decide a shit and how to tell others. Because no, I was not feeling as a girl and I was not okay with my body nor the way society treats me. But then I was thinking - would I feel different if I made the change? It's possible today... with the surgery and the T, I can make it. But is it really something I want/I can do?
I am questioning myself till today...
But as I looked around (gosh bless the internet, seriously...) I saw I am not alone in this. And finally it came to talk lately... NONBINARY/AGENDER/GENDERLESS/BIGENDER/GEDNERFLUID... now we know there are HUMAN BEINGS like that.
The point of this story? You don't "need to decide" just because society wants you to... You don't need to be marked as this or that. It's YOU and your choice.
Thanks gosh we have now even pronouns we can use (not only "they") and even the gender neutral Mx is now in oxford dictionary. The situation is getting better! Even if most of the "normal" people still don't understand... I believe this will be "NORMAL" in future. WE will be "NORMAL" in future.
Don't let anyone to push you and mark you as something you don't want to be. It's not easy. But it might destroy you in the end. Just be yourself.
They call me shit, freak, trans, psycho, lesbian and many other things... I am not upset about it anymore. People are just used to their constructs so much. Matrix rulez.
This is gettin' long so I will end up here. For today.
I will continue to write thoughts and stories under the NonbinAri's diary tag.
Cheer up and live on!
~Ari
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I don't hate anyone. I believe we should not hate on people. But I hate my haters, obviously.