Deep Inside

it's in English, don't be surprised

Okay, I decided to write this article in Eng. I have not any good reason for it. That's just ...it.

I know my Eng is fuckin poor and I will admit it all the time so don't fuck around pls.

But after all I want to write it in this way. And I don't want to rehabilitate it anymore.

 

I'm upset.

I really am. I thought it was quite peaceful day, you know? But in the end it comes out it's not so nice at all.

Sometimes one word is enough to destroy all the mask of peace. -__-

I'm too tired to think...and I'm too tired of this life.

All the trying...what for? In the end everything sucks.

And if you think you just found the balance everything break down suddenly.

I hate it...I always tried so hard. But lately...I have not any power. I don't want to try again.

It's anoying, boring and bothering. What should I try for?

 

I have fuckin high goals. And I will never give up so easy. But because of that I always fall down...on my face.

But if skip this goals I won't have any reason to improve myself. To get better. To survive!

If I quite...what will I demonstrate by this? That I'm so weak as anyone else?

They told me not to aim so high but to have some low goals ..what is that for?

Would it be ME if I give up? I don't think so. That's just me because I'm like this way.

That I always think there is something better behind...that the love exists, that we can make real

friendship, that people are not so bad, that there is a better place somewhere, that we will get something

better if we will try, that we can find our crocks ....

I'm always like that and I always lost ma faith and have to look for that again.

But there is still some "chance" ..so I still believe and try to go ahead!

 

-----------now it starts to be personal so mabye it's time to give up reading this---------------------------------

In fact, this is because you said me such things...And I started to believe again. Now you take it away from me.

And I feel so much pain I don't know if I can stand it. But I must. You said it's okay. It's not impossible. And it's real.

You said a lot of things. I know you have fragile soul, so have I. But you are different every day. Now you are just like it's

a game and whole the thing is fake. And nothing from all the things we tell to each other can come true.

You promised a lot of things, dear. But now I know any of them won't come true.... I've cryed for you a lot.

And you know that. And I'm still crying ...for example right now. You made me believe in something I wanted to forget.

And I believed with all my heart. I don't know if I'm strong enough to let you go...But if I won't it will destroy me..completely.

What should I do? I've tryed so hard...but it was probably not enough, was it? I told you I need to find my crock and you

asked if it could be you... But today it was completely different. It hurted me bad, you know.

Mabye you should not play with the others if you are not prepared for it. Because it could be cruel for them.

I'm somehow broken now. And it's not first time with you. I'm not a toy. I'm a human being (sad to say)..please

don't play with me again. I'm not strong enough even I thought I am. I found out I'm just weak creation. And I need

someone trustful on my side to make me "complete". I know we we would be good friends if we could.

Everything is possible, Veron. But you don't want to believe the same things I do...

-----------------the end of the personal part-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I thought I was reborn and I am strong now. It was just a dream. It was just a feeling that not last for ever...

 

I'm really tired now. And my heart hurts rally much.

So I will try to fall asleep despite of that I know it's not probable...

 

Good night...good bye....